#ForeverAlone

I always like observing people, their attitudes, their behaviours, their perspectives in life. I like it when people sharing their stories especially those untold ones that makes us both cry. I really like to know them more.
One of my greatest dreams in life is be remembered by those who knew me that I’m someone they can treat as their shoulder to cry on at least once in their lifetime.

As a student, while listening and studying on lectures I do observing (in my free time sometimes in lecture time too) my classmates, my professors inside the classroom(I love to talk inside my head also). And there is an event where my heart learn how to skip a beat..

 

Inside the classroom:

Professor: ” Please answer the question here in front *choosing student* …yes you! Ms. Ganda  *pointing her favorite student* ”
Student: I’m not feeling well now ma’am. My hands are aching because of playing volleyball  “

Professor: “Ow. Just rest there, okay?  ..Anyone? Hmm.. You! The girl who always on the corner. What’s your surname? I never heard you talk”

The Girl Who Always On The Corner: “Uhm.. M-ma’am?”*shaking and trembling uncontrollably* “I-i can’t, I-i have a s-sstagefright m-ma’am, I’-I’m s———- “

Professor: “Oh my God. Stop acting like a crybaby! C’mon! Everyone gets scared from time to time. You are already in college iha! Stop making reasons. Y-you k-know, t-that walls w-will n-never v-vanished t-there. Now go!”

.. then her classmates begin to laugh at her and the others seems to mock her.

 

“Sometimes I wonder, why God can’t just take my life already?” 

As I have said, I do like observing different people, I love knowing the hidden personalities behind their social masks. Why?
To help them.
To encourage them.
To tell them that they are not alone.

And also,
To believe that I’am not alone too.
Because there is no one like “me” in my life. I know that feeling when nobody’s out there wanted to hear your voice, your reasons, your stories. I very know the feeling that you should hide everything, just to show only positives in you. You need to keep negative things inside yourself that slowly eating you up just to make everything’s fine, to make everyone’s okay. You wanted to believe it but you know deep inside yourself you are not okay that you are just a trash and no one wanted to keep you. After trying and hiding everything, still there’s no one stays and asks “How are you?” Because they are not used on asking you. Because in the first place you didn’t talk. You never talk..

I love to observed, I know how to listen carefully, but no one teach me how to talk properly. That’s why I’m like these and no one asks why..

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I’m always alone and I chose to be alone. 

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Depression should not be ignored

I was wondering, does anyone know what it’s like? To feel that way, wanting to kill yourself and end all the pain, the hurt.. Depression is always misinterpreted as sadness with problems, stress, etc… No, it’s different. It’s not being overacting or just existing only on the mind like many people used to say but there’s more to it, there’s more to it that you will not understand it fully until you experience it.

 

Depression is the constant feeling of emptiness, of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to lies. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. It’s like an headache, you will tell yourself it’s temporary and it’ll pass. It’s just another bad day. But it’s not. The problem does not go away. It’s always like these, every single night of tossing and turning, and you have no one to talk to. You struggle to put on a social mask everyday and it starts to costs you more and more. That is why you fall even deeper and that’s when you slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out. All satisfaction is gone. Those little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless. Even the simplest task become painful. That’s the point when you ask yourself, why are you keep trying if nothing makes you happy anymore? All of these makes you feel worse. Days become indistinguishable. Just white noise, heaviness and you feel you’ll never be happy again. You’re ashamed for everything, everything about your life, yourself, everything you’ve done and everything you haven’t. So in the end, you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions.. The low self esteem and the lack of purpose become unbearable.. You finally realized you cannot go on that way. And two things can happen: you either decided to get help or you might attempt a suicide.

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We have different level of sensitivity and tolerance for pain. You clearly have not seen yet what goes in their heads. You don’t know the feeling of how it takes all over your body and you’re no longer in control. That there are two sides of them: one that wants to fight and one that wants to die.. 

Maybe to others it’s fine but in other people, it’s big deal. So be careful on every action and every words we make because we don’t know how it can affect on someone else life.

 

“Fix You”

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

 

Song AML

Kelly Clarkson Lyrics

“Because Of You”

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that farBecause of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraidI lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

 

“Safe & Sound”

Taylor Swift’s (feat. The Civil Wars)

I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, “I’ll never let you go.”
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, “Don’t leave me here alone,”
But all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You’ll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I’ll be safe and sound

Don’t you dare look out your window, darling.
Everything’s on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music’s gone
Gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You’ll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I’ll be safe and sound

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
La, la (la, la)
La, la (la, la)
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
La, la (la, la)

Just close your eyes
You’ll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I’ll be safe and sound…

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh, oh